Bon Appétit
by Byakushi1
Summary: Sequel to My Eyes. Everybody knows that freaky snake bastards always get eaten by drunk girls from the future and a crazy blonde. Nothing unusual there. "Why didn't you tell me you'd gone and had a kid with Uchiha Itachi!" Wait, what? Non-massacre


**Title: **Bon Appétit

**Author: **Byakushi1

**Pairings: **Uchiha Itachi/Haruno Sakura

**Genre: **Romance/Humor

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs only to Masashi Kishimoto

**Summary:** Sequel to My Eyes. Everybody knows that freaky snake bastards always get eaten by drunk girls from the future and a crazy blonde. Nothing unusual there. "Why didn't you tell me you'd gone and had a kid with Uchiha Itachi?!" Wait, what? Non-massacre

* * *

Sakura and Menchi were perched on the edge of a big rock hanging over the lake, the former showing the latter how to fish with knives. It wasn't working so well. Sakura nearly tore her hair out of sheer frustration. She was soaking wet from all the times her Menchi had pushed her in, her clothes stuck in uncomfortable places, oh, and let's not forget the tens of hundreds of scratches she had gotten when Menchi _accidentally _thrown the shurikens at her. It didn't help that Kino was just sitting in the shade of a tree (which just so happens to be the one where Naruto had fallen for the booby trap that Kakashi-sensei had set up, _twice_. Ah, good times, good times…), smirking at them and offering absolutely no help whatsoever_._ Why, _why_, must fate be so cruel to her? Was it because of the prank she had played on Naruto, Sasuke, and Menchi that had made them pass out and hospitalized due to the loss of blood? It wasn't her fault; they were being perverts and spying on her!

There was a poof of smoke, and an ANBU member appeared in front of the girls. Menchi let out a yelp of fright and scrambled backwards, holding up her kunai in a defensive manner. Sakura, being her, instantly recognized Itachi's weasel mask and white captain's cloak and ran forward and buried her face in his chest, inhaling his fresh rainwater scent. He responded by stroking her hair gently and pressing her even closer to his lean form. "I'm going on a mission," Itachi murmured against her hair. "We're going to be hunting Orochimaru."

Sakura was frightened for her lover, though she tried not to show it. "Be careful, okay?" she stroked his cheek. He bent down and captured her lips, heedless of the goldfish faces Menchi was making in the background. Sakura moaned slightly. It was a chaste kiss, but so breathtakingly tender it nearly brought tears into her eyes. "I'll be fine," Itachi promised. With a final nuzzle, he broke away and disappeared. Sakura stared after him, worry plain in her eyes.

"...And so, as the man rode out into the sunset, the maiden waved a handkerchief after her young lover, crystilized tears trailing down her cheeks..." a flat monotone shattered the tranquil silence. Sakura spun around to find Kino, with a small pair of spectacles perched on her nose, reading out loud the words on the notecards that Menchi had shoved into her hands. Sakura's face heated up, and she cast a venom filled glare at duo, who would be dead by now if looks could kill.

Sakura's vindictive thoughts got interrupted as she saw a black blur jump onto Kino and knock her over. The pink haired kunoichi instantly leaped into action. With a speed she hadn't known she possessed, she grabbed the nearest object- Menchi- and flung it at the intruder. The human missile sped through the air and crashed into the shadow, leaving them both groaning with the pain of the impact. Sakura then leaped onto the figure and pinned it to the ground, snarling, "Who the hell are you and what business do you have here?"

Kino shoved her off of the stranger and snapped, "What's your problem? That's my pet cat, dumbass."

Sakura stared at the girl vehemently. "What do you take me for, an idiot? I may not have an I.Q. as high as Shikamaru's, but even I can tell the difference between a cat and a human."

Kino's glower intensified, and she hissed, "Take a closer look, moron." She jabbed her finger at the person, who was hiding behind her and watching the quarrel with wide eyes.

Sakura examined him closely. He looked to be a few years older than Kino and was tall and extremely slender. He had a delicate face, with long raven black bangs covering his right eye and shorter ones that framed his profile. His hair was tied back in a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck, but it was so long it reached his knees. His left eye was a startling shade of emerald, and had a small black line that ran from the edge about an inch down his cheekbones. He was clad in a simple white dress shirt, its collar turned out, and tight black jeans. Finally she noticed the two furry black ears that poked out the top of his head.

There was a moment's silence, and then all hell broke loose. Sakura gave a fangirlish squeal and glomped the poor boy. "You are so _cute_!" She nuzzled the disgruntled looking youth, who looked at Kino with an expression that simply shouted, _kill me now_. Kino's face contorted, as if she was deciding whether to rescue her cat or just sit there and laugh at his pain. She decided to do the first, and pried the older girl off of her pet.

"None of that now, you're going to strangle him," she admonished Sakura. "Why don't I introduce you two? Sakura, this is Veizka. Veizy, Sakura. Veizy's a demon, bound by a contract to serve and obey all my commands. He normally doesn't like to be touched, although," her mouth curved up into a sly smirk, and she cooed at the nonplussed demon, "Veizy doesn't mind being hugged, right?" She stood on her tiptoes and whispered in his ear so the others couldn't hear, "You can't hurt her in any way. That's an order, so you'll have to obey, hm?" Here Kino turned toward Sakura. "In fact, why don't you go show him around the village?" She conveniently ignored the fact that Veizka was growling angrily, his ears flattened and eye promising her a slow and torturous death the moment they were alone.

The instant Sakura had dragged off the reluctant cat; Kino dropped her cheery façade and resumed her usual languid sleepy-eyed look. She went back to her post under the tree and closed her eyes.

"That wasn't very nice." Menchi's disapproving voice came from in front of her.

Without opening her eyes, Kino replied, "I'm never nice. Besides, it's not my fault that he looks so damn _rape able._"

"True enough. He's so _fluffy!_" Menchi gushed; her hands clasped together, stars shining in her eyes.

Kino scoffed. "Now don't you start. I've had just about enough of girls flinging themselves onto him. I don't need another one."

-

Sakura marched to her best friend's house, with Veizka in tow. "Welcome to Yamanaka's flower shop!" came Ino's voice. She was bent over a stack of papers, her eyes squinting with concentration.

"Studying, pig?" Sakura lightly teased. "Don't try too hard now, or you might fry what little brain cells you have."

"Shut up, forehead." Ino groaned, her head banging against counter. "Dad's making organize these stupid order forms. _'Its good practice and you'll be grateful later.'_" She mimicked her father's voice. "Huh, grateful my ass. I swear, he's just as bad as the Hokage when it comes to this stuff."

Sakura giggled. "That's true. Tsunade-shishou forces her paperwork onto me or Shizune-san all the time."

"Say," a cunning look came into Ino's eyes. "Who's that cutie you have there?" She nodded at her companion, who was sullenly staring at all the flowers around him, twitching his nose every so often.

"This is Veizka," Sakura said, playfully rubbing his ears, much to his displeasure. He only allowed one person to touch them, and she had betrayed him to the hordes of squealing girls that await him.

"I thought you were with Itachi. Wait! Don't tell me…You're cheating on him!" Ino gasped dramatically.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Of course I'm not! Where did you get such an idea? Kino just wanted me to show him around the village."

"You mean, he's Kino's little boyfriend?" Ino inquired.

"You assume too much," came a new voice. The girls turned to find Veizka staring at them with annoyance in his eye. "I am Lady Kino's servant, also known as her _pet._" He looked miffed at being bestowed with such an undignified term.

"_Pet?!_" Ino looked aghast. "What are you, her _sex slave?!_"

Sakura flushed and said quickly, "No! Pet, like how Akamaru's Kiba's pet. Geez, sometimes I wonder how you got to be so perverted."

Ino studied Veizka, who stared back dispassionately. "You know, he reminds me of someone. Who could it be?" She thought for a few seconds, and then snapped her fingers. "That blank, emotionally constipated gaze on his face…it can't be..." Ino's eyes widened comically; an expression of utter joy and wonderment lit up her features. "I have seen the light! Hallelujah! Praise Allah and Jesus and all those holy figures in the world! Oh Sakura, you sly thing, you."

"Eh?" Sakura was confused, to say the least. "What are you jabbering about this time?" Nothing could've prepared for the words that came next.

"_Why didn't you tell me_ _you'd gone and had a kid with Uchiha Itachi?!"_

-

The sky was a beautiful pale gold, laced with hues of crimson and violet. Kino sat at the edge of the lake with her legs dangling in the water, contemplating the meaning of life and the reason why she existed. Just her average depressing thoughts. Nothing majorly doomish. Soon her thoughts turned to Veizka, a flashback of his betrayed expression coming into her mind. Did she go too far? Nah, he was her cat, pet, demon, servant _thing, _so he would forgive her. He always did.

Kino was rudely interrupted by our favorite orange ninja, who came huffing and puffing like he'd just run a marathon.

"Naruto!" Menchi hurried to his side just before he collapsed. "Are you alright?"

"You look like shit," Kino stated matter-of-factly, taking in his dilated pupils and heaving form.

"It's bad," Naruto wheezed, clutching his sides. "Ino and Sakura-chan are having this huge fight in the middle of Konoha!"

"That's a regular occurance," Kino pointed out. "You came all the way here just to tell us that?"

Naruto lurched forward and grabbed the front of Menchi's overcoat, dragging her down to his level. "This isn't regular! They're really hurting each other, and this Itachi-lookalike is trying to stop them-"

"I still don't get how that concerns us," Kino interrupted his ranting.

Naruto plowed on as if she hadn't spoken. "-but he got knocked unconscious by one of Sakura-chan's boulders!"

"My poor baby!" Kino bolted upright and rushed for the village, leaving Naruto and Menchi blinking after her. A single leaf fell from the tree and drifted forlornly in front of them.

"…Guess she really does care what happens to him…"

-

The fighting kunoichi were rolling on the ground, squealing amist clouds of dust and completely oblivious of the crowd they'd drawn cheering them on. "Cat fight! Cat fight!"

"What do you mean, _he's my kid?!"_ Sakura screeched, attempting to sink her teeth into Ino's throat.

"Well, you didn't tell me anything! That's what any sane person would automatically assume when seeing him!" Ino yowled, trying to claw her adversary's eyes out. Suddenly, there was this huge gust of wind and something smashed into her side, throwing her back into a building. Through her hazed vision Ino could see a figure slowly rise from the crater, stalking over to where Sakura was blown.

Veizka was not having a good day. This morning he had awoken in a foreign place, totally lost. When he had finally found Master (mistress, whatever) Kino, he got attacked by a small savage with pink hair. Then, to make things worse, Kino ordered him to go off with the she-devil, whose friend implied he had a sexual relationship with his master and was the offspring of the pink spawn of Satan. And to top it off, he was knocked unconscious by a rock and now sported a massive headache. In other words, the normally passive demon was _pissed_.

Veizka grabbed the nearly unconscious Sakura and, despite his skinny frame, hauled her into the air with one hand. _It was all her fault_. "Not so tough now, are you?" He grinned sadistically, peering into Sakura's infuriated eyes. "Yes, no one likes being helpless, at the mercy of their enemy. As a medic nin you should know that pressing the bundle of nerves here," he traced the an area of her neck with a claw, reveling in the way Sakura's eyes were nearly popping out with fear, "will immediately shut down your entire system, killing you instantly. It will hurt quite a lot though, but that's okay, it'll be good entertainment." Just as his fingers grasped around her throat, there was a whirl of leaves and there, in all his blood-'n-gut splattered ANBU glory, stood Uchiha Itachi, a murderous glint in his eye.

"Let go of her," he growled, eyes flashing a bloody crimson, his Sharingan spinning ominously. A few bystanders whistled encouragement, but fell silent as Itachi frosts them with the Look (something that seemingly all Uchiha men were graced with).

Veizka's visible eye glowed an eerie green. His delicate features twisted and broke out into a ghastly parody of a smile. It was quite similar to the ones that often crossed his master's face, actually; teeth bared, eyes wide and decidedly insane. "So you're this evil old sow's little lapdog," he mocked, giving the limp Sakura a good shake. "What a disgrace."

Itachi flitted behind Veizka, with a speed that could rival his cousin Shisui's. The demon whipped around and tried to stop him, but alas, to no avail. Itachi grabbed his wrist and pinched it, forcing him to drop Sakura. He caught her and leaped back, wariness gleaming in his red gaze; watchful and ever alert for any signs of attack.

Veizka clutched his hand in pain. "_You son of a bitch_," he breathed. "You're going to hell for that." Everything blackened; the air around him constricted and a shadow appeared in his hands, twisting, until it took the shape of an insanely long sword, pulsing with energy. Itachi's breath quickened from the pressure of the darkness, weighing down on him heavily, forcing him to his knees.

Just when Veizka was about to bring his sword down upon Itachi's head, it dissipated. A sudden rush of fear filled him, and he turned to stare down the blade of his sword, which rested right between his eyes, into slitted obsidian black eyes. _Oh no._

"I came here since someone said you were beat up. Why are you the one giving the beating?" Kino hissed, punctuating each word with a jab at his forehead, forcing him to retreat a couple of steps or risk getting skewered.

Veizka did the only thing he could think of. He straightened his spine and barked out, "No excuse, sir!"

Kino's eye twitched. "We aren't in the British Royal Navy, you ninny. You directly disobeyed my orders. That calls for a punishment." She opened her mouth, about to deliver a sentence that would probably, _most likely _(not certainly though), make him regret his actions, but before she utter even a word, a loud explosion blew her straight up onto a telephone pole.

The force of the explosion jarred something in her head, and she turned from cold, sadistic, regal lady to a snivalling, scared, nervous wreck. "Help meeee!" she wailed, wrapping all her limbs around the pole as if her life depended on it (which it probably did).

In the distance Veizka could see the source of all the trouble. Some girly guy was standing on top of a huge purple snake, cackling about how Konoha will finally die and _- ew, is that his tongue?- _whacking at every shinobi within range with some glowing sword thing sticking out of his mouth. A slight movement in the corner of his eye caused Veizka to turn around. He saw Itachi standing there, with Sakura flung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, staring at him with an eyebrow raised. He caught the meaning and nodded begrudgingly. _Truce, for now._

Which brought him back to the task at hand. "Lady Kino, please come down," he pleaded. Kino shook her head stubbornly. Veizka took a deep breath. He didn't want to do this, but Kino's lack of cooperation forced him to. "Get down here this instant so we can get rid of the enemy!Or sit here and be beaten to death when that snake comes to destroy this part of the village!" he bellowed with absolutely no respect in his voice. Kino started violently at the shout; the frightened, confused look left her face to be replaced by her normal blank expression. She looked down calmly, and with ninja-like skills, flipped down and landed lightly, betraying no pain from the shock of the impact. Dusting off her palms, she stode off at a brisk, but unhurried, pace to where Manda and Orochimaru were terrorizing the villagers.

"It's like 9-11 all over again," muttered Kino as she strolled along the ruined streets, Veizka just a step behind her. "Except this time it's not just an insane terrorist; nooo, it just has to be an insane gay cross-dressing pedophilic terrorist with a creepy fetish for little boys."

"Bwahahahaha!" An oddly familiar voice came out of nowhere, and out jumped the idiotic duo. Naruto did a 'Lee Pose'; a thumbs up and sparkling teeth. Menchi, oddly enough, was wobbling unsteadily on her feet. A strong oder that smelled of sake hit Veizka's sensitive nose; he started sneezing profusely, complete with watering eyes, a stuffed nose, and a clogged up throat. _'So,'_ he thought miserably. _'This is how the mighty fall.'_

Kino watched this with impatient eyes. "Get up," she snapped. "This is no time to be having nervous breakdown." Like _she_ was one to talk; she-who-has-a-mental-breakdown-every-five-seconds. Sighing, when he ignored her in favor of trying to claw his own throat out, she grabbed him by the collar and towed him away from Menchi; away from the smells of drink, vomit, and more drink. Thankfully, he fully recovered when they reached Manda, so they readied themselves for battle.

"Hey, snaky!" yelled Kino, throwing a fist sized rock at Orochimaru. If the words didn't get his attention, then the stone that nailed him in the eye definitely did. Orochimaru glared down at her. He held a hand to his eye- already beginning to swell- and spat curses at her, calling her names so vile that we'll refrain from mentioning them in this story, to which she responded wholeheartedly. While he was trading insults with Kino, his back was left vulnerable. In that moment, Veizka and Itachi appeared behind him (Sakura was hidden somewhere, still knocked out cold, being all special and whatnot), each preparing an attack. Veizka had his fancy shadow technique and Itachi was flipping through some hand signs, getting ready to roast both snakes.

"You'll never defeat me!" shrieked Orochimaru. No sooner had the last word left his lips then a huge fireball come racing his way and engulf him in flames. "Augh, noooo!" he squealed in pain, before the agony of being burned overwhelmed his ability to talk. Suddenly everything exploded into bright sparks. Kino and the rest stood there, watching the fireworks with interest. "These are better than the ones at Disneyland," Kino remarked offhandedly. When the last flames finally burned out, they went over to investigate the remains of Orochimaru and his pet snake, Manda. All there was left was a blackish blob on top of another bigger one.

"Hey! Roast snake! My favorite!" Menchi chirped from behind Kino's back. She staggered to where the others were and dropped down on her bum in front of the scraps. Veizka covered his nose to avoid the smell and turned a distinct shade of violet trying to hold his breath. Menchi licked her jaws and dove in with gusto. She was joined by a tipsy Naruto, and within seconds had stuffed all of it down their necks. She patted her stomach and fairly moaned with contentment. Menchi looked up at the ashen faces above her. "Eh? What's wrong with you guys?"

Itachi had a disgusted look in his eyes. Kino was trying hard to restrain herself from jumping up and down, screaming like it's the end of the world; failing too, from the looks of it. Poor Veizka had turned from purple to a sickly greenish-yellow.

"Itachi!" a voice called from behind. Sakura, who had just awakened, joined the little gang and threw herself into Itachi's arms, peppering his face with kisses, checking if he was alright. Itachi bent down and brought his hand up to caress the line of her jaw, then tilted her head up and pressed his lips against the corner of her mouth. Sakura positively _purred _with pleasure when she felt Itachi's thumb rub soothing circles against her hipbone, his tongue sweeping across the seam of her lips, before nudging them open and slipping his tongue into her mouth. Sakura pulled back and leaned forward to rest her forehead against his, her breath slightly uneven. Itachi closed his eyes, his long sooty eyelashes a stark contrast against his pale skin, and nudged his nose playfully against her's, tracing his lips up her cheek and placing a gentle kiss against her temple.

"...The man, a returned hero from war, kissed her like he couldn't get enough of her. His hand slowly inched up her shirt, brushing past her stomach before rubbing her-" Kino halted her toneless monologue, staring at the notecards in absolute disbelief. A vein popped in her forehead, and her eyebrow twitched spastically. "No! I will not read this, you perv!" She threw off her reading glasses and trampled the notecards beneath her feet, and then stormed over and kicked Menchi in the ribs, then grabbed her by the collar and sank her fist into the hapless girl's solar plexus. "I don't even _know_ where you learned this stuff, you little sod!" she ranted, shaking Menchi back and forth until Sakura was sure she heard the poor girl's vertebrae crack.

"Kino! Put her down!" cried Sakura, breaking away from a disgruntled Itachi. She cradled Menchi's head, which was so bloody it should've been censored, but oh well. Menchi slowly raised her hand, and weakly asked, "Kino, has anyone ever told you your speech-making skills suck?"

"Yeah, everyone in English laughed at me because I made my Martin Luther King Jr. speech all in one breath, but still! The real question is," Kino pointed an accusing finger at Sakura, "has anyone ever told you that your love life is ridiculously cliché?"

Sakura spluttered with indignition. "What the hell gives you the right to say that?"

Kino waved her hand dismissively. "Oh come on, surely you know? It's the classic love story. Guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, guy loses girl, guy gets girl back, and it all ends either in delicious angst or a disgustingly cheery 'happily ever after.'" She ticked off her fingers one by one for every reason, then nodded in satisfaction. The pink haired medic sighed in resignition. She was right. So, Sakura changed the subject.

"What happened to Orochimaru?" she looked around, as if expecting him to pop out of nowhere and molest her where she stood. There were odd looks exchanged within the little circle. She tapped her foot impatiently. "Come on, spill. Out with it."

"Well," Veizka began hesitantly.

"He was..." Itachi broke off, looking uncomfortable. Hah, Uchiha Itachi, uncomfortable? She must be seeing things.

"You people are cowards," Kino deadpanned. "I'll tell her. He was eaten. By Wondergirl here and her little lackey."

"No way!" Sakura laughed. "You're just pulling my leg." She looked around the little circle and saw that everyone's faces, excluding Menchi and Naruto (fat pigs that they are), were grave and serious. "Aren't you?"

Their somber expressions were answer enough.

Sakura let out a bloodcurdling scream of horror and fell backwards in a dead faint. Kino nudged her and clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "The shock from today took an awful lot out of her. You," she pointed to Itachi. "Pick her up and go back to the Uchiha compound." With a nod he scooped Sakura up into his arms and vanished from sight. Kino rubbed the bridge of her nose and shook her head wearily. "Let's go," she gestured to Veizka, who followed her obediantly like the good little servant he is.

"My lady, some food and sugars will restore your energy. I will get you some _taiyaki. _Is that acceptable?" Veizka offered gallantly.

Kino twisted her mouth wryly. "After that spectacle, I don't think I can get anything down without it coming right back up. But thanks for asking, Veizy. That was sweet of you."

Veizka's lips twitched. "Of course. It is my duty to serve you and meet all your requirements."

Kino's cold gaze swept across the ruins, before coming to a rest on the two motionless figures of Naruto and Menchi. "Obey any order, huh? Well then, clean up those trash over there."

Veizka smiled mockingly and bowed low. "Yes, my lady."

* * *

_the end_

* * *

Veizka, Kino, and Menchi were all a figment of my imagination, so there's no need go and search the _very_ long list of Naruto characters. Except the girls' names, which I got from _Kino no Tabi _and_ Excel Saga._

_-_

_Taiyaki _is a Japanese fish-shaped cake. The most common filling is red bean paste made from sweetened azuki beans, while other common fillings include custard, chocolate, or cheese.

I know Manda is an animal summon and therefore cannot be cooked, but in here he can, because I'm the authoress and I say so.

So sue me, I suck at writing romance. Yes, I made Itachi _extremely _OOC in this trilogy, especially in here (Itachi, a romantic? Pft, that has as much a chance of happening as a snowball surviving in hell), but it was all for the sake of the story, so no killing the authoress, 'kay?

I don't know for sure if there really is a pressure point on the neck that can kill you (there _is _one that can knock you unconscious though...), so please don't come banging at my door at midnight with pitchforks and torches, accusing me of false information. Seriously.

-

And yes, only one person wrote this series, trilogy, whatever you call it. So, yeah.

-Authoress #1

* * *

_Well, if you like the story, it would please us greatly if you would leave a comment. We hope everyone enjoyed it!_


End file.
